Grief doesn’t always act the way we may expect it to in ourselves or others. It can change, surprise us, and feel different from one day to the next. Turns out, there is a reason.
We know the loss happened months or maybe even years ago. Most of the time, we’re okay. We’ve returned to our everyday routines, spent time with loved ones, and even found reasons to laugh again. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a memory comes back and the grief feels almost as intense as if the loss just happened.
When we’ve been doing okay for a while, a sudden feeling of grief can catch us off guard. We might wonder, “Why am I feeling this again? I thought I was doing better.” When we feel grief again, it doesn’t mean we’re back at the beginning or that all our progress has disappeared. We actually don’t have tons of good research into how we handle grief, but we can use the limited research we have to start to understand what some people might experience. For example, one hypothesis suggests that grief can come and go over time, rather than being something we simply move through and leave behind. Research suggests that we may naturally shift between focusing on our loss and focusing on other parts of life. For example, some days we may miss the person deeply, or feel the reality of their absence. Other days, our attention is more focused on work, family, friends or getting through the day. Both are part of grieving. Taking a break from grief is also part of the process. We don’t have to think about our loss every moment for it to still matter. Laughing with friends, enjoying a hobby, or having a day when grief isn’t at the front of our minds is normal and nothing for us to feel guilty about. These breaks can give us room to adjust to the loss at a pace we can manage.
Just as we move in and out of these grief periods, how grief changes over time can look different for each of us. Researchers followed 259 people after the loss of their loved one over the next two years. A few times a year, they were asked about their grief, depression, and stress. Grief did not look the same for everyone. Most people had fairly low feelings of grief over time. Some felt very strong grief early on that slowly became easier to manage, while others felt very strong grief for much longer. For one group, those very strong feelings started to ease between 6 to 18 months after the loss. However, grief research is limited. Many studies include relatively small, self-selected groups that may not represent the wider population, and researchers define and measure grief in different ways.
Time isn’t the only thing that can change how we adjust to grief. Another way can be finding ways to stay connected to the person we lost. A review looked at 79 studies that had a total of 13,000 bereaved people, on something called “continuing bonds”, which is the connection we keep with someone after they die. These connections can be looking through old photos, keeping something that belonged to them, sharing stories about them, or thinking about what advice they might have given us. The review found that continuing bonds are a common part of grief and can play an important role in how we adjust to our loss.
As we think about our own experiences with loss, we can reflect:
- What did grief look like in the family we grew up in?
We could have grown up in a family where crying, talking about our loved one, and leaning on others is encouraged or we could have learned to grieve more privately or to cope by continuing with our everyday routines and responsibilities. - How have our beliefs shaped our grief?
Cultural, religious, or personal beliefs can influence how we understand death and what happens afterwards. - What experiences are we bringing with us?
A first major or unexpected loss may feel different from a loss after years of caregiving, previous losses, or time to prepare for a death. - Did the people around us recognize our loss?
Some losses receive more acknowledgement and support, while others may be harder to talk about openly. - Who or what supported us?
Family, friends, community, traditions, and other sources of support can affect how we grieve and how we see grief.
There isn’t one reason grief can still show up months or years later and there isn’t the right amount of grief we’re supposed to feel. We may worry that feeling it again means we aren’t doing as well as we thought, or that feeling it less means we’re forgetting. How often or how deeply we grieve isn’t a measure of what someone meant to us or should be seen as weird. The passing of time doesn’t make someone matter less. Sometimes our grief returns, because our loved ones still matter.
