The empathy gap is when we underestimate how much our feelings and current state of mind influence our decision making.
Have you made a New Year’s resolution that you had EVERY intention to keep and then just didn’t? Maybe you decided to change your diet and replace after-work ice cream with fresh fruits. “Great idea!” you tell yourself, “I’m making fabulous choices!” And maybe you do that for a while until one day you feel tired or grumpy, got yelled at at work, your kids were driving you up the wall, or everything seemed to go wrong. Suddenly that bowl of ice cream felt irresistible and that fruit plan seemed ridiculous. This is an example of the “empathy gap.”
The empathy gap is when we underestimate how much our feelings and current state of mind influence our decision making. It can also occur when we don’t account for how a future change in those emotions might change that decision. This is a type of cognitive bias and can have a big impact on choices, decisions, and judgments. While we would all love to believe that our decisions are made based on logic, fact, and reason, it turns out that emotions play a massive role!
The empathy gap is sometimes called the “hot-cold” empathy gap. “Hot” states are when we are influenced by strong emotion, sexual desire, exhaustion, or hunger. “Cold” states are when we are less influenced by emotion and are calm. When someone is in a “cold” state, they underestimate how much they might be influenced by emotions in a future “hot” state. For example, someone who is feeling very rested and relaxed might feel like they have tons of time to get that next task done. They might underestimate the stress they feel as the deadline looms and the toll it takes on them mentally and physically. When someone is in a “hot” state, they might struggle to imagine what it will feel like to be calm. They can falsely believe that they would make the same decision when emotions are turned down. For example, someone might be furious that their romantic partner forgot their birthday, even though that partner was going through a difficult time at work. That person might think they will be mad forever, say something hurtful, and start a fight that causes damage to the relationship. After a little time and the emotion dies down, they may regret the extent of their reaction and be able to understand their partner’s decisions and emotional state.
The empathy gap is a failure to empathize with our future selves. We can’t imagine what we will feel like in the future and how that might change our responses and decisions. This is an intrapersonal empathy gap. However, it also can manifest as a failure to empathize with others. We might not understand another person’s perspective or how their emotional state may differ from our own. This is called an interpersonal empathy gap. Ever been that person on a plane judging an exhausted parent whose kid won’t stop crying? In a rational state, we might be able to recognize the situation they are in and give them grace and understanding. In a “hot” state, we might think unkind thoughts, judge their parenting ability, or even be rude or cruel in response. Empathy gaps can lead to increased polarization, racism and other prejudices, and play a big role in social and political divisions. They can harm relationships, lead us towards poor health decisions, and steer us to unwise economic or social choices.
How do we help reduce the influence of the empathy gap on our decisions and actions?
First, we need to recognize how much our emotions and stressors impact our everyday choices and decisions. Emotions are incredibly powerful. We can’t turn them off. Striving for Vulcan level emotionless logic is impractical and unhelpful. But we can try to pause to recognize and name our emotions in real time. We can use that knowledge to determine if that emotion is impacting our current choice. We can ask ourselves, “When my emotions or stressors change, will I feel the same way and make the same decision?”
We can also explore what our past behaviors were in similar situations. “When I felt like this before and made that choice, did I regret it later or did I stand by it?” Past behaviors are a great predictor of future behaviors!
Seeking a trusted person’s perspective can temper the impact of emotions on our actions and decisions. When making big choices in the thick of big emotions, getting an outside view point can provide a lot of help. Asking someone for their opinion and sharing how you feel may help provide some needed guidance and clarity.
When addressing an interpersonal empathy gap, it’s a good time to use the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated! Ask yourself, “Would I want someone to say or do this to me? How would I feel or react if someone acted the way I am acting now?”
As humans, we’re all vulnerable to empathy gaps and cognitive biases. By paying attention to our emotions, imagining how we or others might feel in a different state, and offering grace to ourselves and others, we can set ourselves up to make better choices.
