When we hear about someone experiencing grief, it is often about the loss of a pet, a loved one, or a long-term relationship. However, grief extends beyond these experiences – it can also stem from what never was.
Grief is how we respond to loss. When loss doesn’t have a specific event or something that has a clear ending, it can be described as ambiguous loss. It is the sorrow felt over unrealized possibilities rather than grieving something or someone that has been lost. Ambiguous loss happens when reality falls short of what we imagined. Maybe it was that career that never took off, a promotion that never came, or a relationship that never started. We grow up with certain expectations that are shaped by our personal experiences, culture, or the people around us. When reality doesn’t align with these expectations we set for ourselves, it can leave a lingering sense of emptiness and disappointment.
Unlike traditional grief, ambiguous loss often goes unrecognized. It exists in a space between longing and acceptance, sometimes manifesting as frustration, sadness, or even a crisis of identity. Instead of a single clear event of grief, this type of loss can make you feel stuck between dwelling on what’s missing and trying to move on with your everyday life. Recognizing this back-and-forth emotional pattern can be the first step toward healing.
There are simple steps that you can take to cope. First, by acknowledging that this type of grief is real and valid. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up—it means making space for new possibilities. Therapy can help, particularly approaches like Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which offer tools to process unresolved grief and cultivate self-compassion. While therapy can be incredibly helpful, it may not feel like the right approach for everyone. It’s also a reality that not everyone has equitable access to it. Nonetheless, there are various support systems and resources that can help you navigate this journey, even if therapy isn’t the best fit or isn’t readily available.
Here are a few practical ways you can begin caring for yourself day to day:
🔸 Acknowledge Your Feelings
Grief doesn’t always have a clear beginning and end, which can make it hard to navigate, but recognizing and naming your emotions—sadness, anger, disappointment—can make a huge difference and help you feel less stuck.
🔸 Practice Self-Compassion
Give yourself a little time each day to journal, meditate, or just breathe. Writing down your worries and hopes can help clear your mind, and even five minutes of deep breathing can ground you more than you’d think.
🔸 Seek Out Support
Talk to friends, family, or anyone who’s faced something similar. You’d be surprised how much it helps to know you’re not alone. If formal therapy isn’t in the cards, look for online communities, local support groups, or free/sliding-scale services in your area.
🔸 Evolve Your Goals
Adjust an existing dream or venture into something brand new—small wins can really boost your confidence and keep hope alive.
🔸 Balance Acceptance and Action
Acceptance doesn’t mean scrapping all your hopes and dreams—it’s about meeting yourself where you are right now. Pair that perspective with small, consistent steps toward something new.
Healing is a gradual process of acknowledging what’s missing, leaning on support when you need it, and staying open to new possibilities. Whether you journal your worries, practice self-compassion, or simply learn to breathe through tough moments, every small step counts. Over time, you’ll start to carve out a path forward—one that honors what you’ve lost while making room for what might be next.
Further reading:
American Psychological Association – Podcast on ambiguous loss
University of Minnesota – Ambiguous loss: when closure doesn’t exist
University of Rochester Behavioral Health Partners – Ambiguous loss: The grief is real
